571 Quotes by Augusten Burroughs

I could not imagine the kind of person that would, upon seeing a crazy talcum-powder-covered Southern lady think to herself, Hmmmm, she might make a great new friend. The line between normal and crazy seemed impossibly thin.

And in my mind, this settles the issue. I would never drink cologne, and am therefore not an alcoholic.

See, alcoholism is exactly like bubble gum. You know when you blow a bubble and it bursts, some of the gum sticks to you chin? What's the only thing that gets the bubble gum off your chin? Bubble gum. You have to take the bubble gum out of your mouth and press it against the gum on your chin and it'll pick it up. Only an alcoholic can treat another alcoholic. Only other alcoholics can get you sober.

You can never replace it. The good news is you do learn to live without it. You miss it. You want it. You hang out with a bunch of other crazy people who feel the same way and you live with it. And eventually, you start to sound like a cloying self-help book, like me.

And it hits me, the reason for all the metaphors in recovery. Because the bald truth would too terrifying. What she's saying is I may need an all-new career and all-new friends. p 85

Part of me felt deep compassion. And another part felt like, You fucker.

It's amazing how drunk you can be without alcohol. 127

I sit there and think how it isn't fair that I can't drink at all, even a little. I realize I have crammed an entire lifetime of moderate drinking into a decade of hard-core drinking and that is why. I blew my wad.

And if I said "because I'm a witch," they'd think I was crazy.''That's exactly right,' she confirmed.'Because everybody knows witches aren't real.'She nodded. 'Yes.''Except they really are real.'She continued nodding. 'Mm-hmm.''But you also told me Santa and the tooth fairy were real.''Those were lies,' she said. 'But they're lies every parent tells their children. So they're not really lies so much as a script.''I slept with teeth under my pillow, so it seems like a lie to me.