233 Quotes by Billy Connolly

I don't know why I should have to learn Algebra... I'm never likely to go there.

What always staggers me is that when people blow their noses, they always look into their hankies to see what came out. What do they expect to find?

I have been made redundant before and it is a terrible blow; redundant is a rotten word because it makes you think you are useless.

Paddy was in the delivery room when the midwife handed him a black baby. "Is this yours?" she asked "probably" said Paddy "she burns everything else"

I love Los Angeles. It reinvents itself every two days.

Honestly some folk will take offence at anything, I met a bloke with no legs this morning while at the bus stop, all I asked was "How are you getting on?"

There are two seasons in Scotland: June and Winter.

Once you become successful, people know where you live, the type of house you live in, the kind of car you drive, the clothes you wear, and so it would be patronising to go and talk like a welder. Welding's a mystery to me now. You can't go back, your life changes every day.

Don't die until you're dead.