233 Quotes by Billy Connolly

Did your mother never tell you not to drink on an empty head?

Wisdom isn't an old guy on top of a mountain in a loin cloth. It isn't an answer. It's a question.

Fame is being asked to sign your autograph on the back of a cigarette packet.

I don't like the beach. I think we have no business at the beach at all, as a species. We don't belong in the sea. The sea is full of things that bite us, sting us, hurt the soles of our feet, and it's extremely cold. When are we gonna take the hint that the things that live in the sea don't like us?

I've always been fascinated by the difference between the jokes you can tell your friends but you can't tell to an audience. There's a fine line you have to tread because you don't know who is out there in the auditorium. A lot of people are too easily offended.

The great thing about Glasgow is that if there's a nuclear attack it'll look exactly the same afterwards.

If I had a hammer, there'd be no more folksingers.

A woman's mind is as complex as the contents of her handbag; even when you get to the bottom of it, there is ALWAYS something at the bottom to surprise you!

If Jesus was a Jew, how come he has a Mexican first name?