636 Quotes by Craig ferguson

If I have a near-beer, I’m near beer. And if I’m near beer, I’m close to tequila. And if I’m close to tequila, I’m adjacent to cocaine.

Acid gave me a clinical, unblinking look at madness, and I discovered I wasn't brave enough to be insane.

The worst gift I was given is when I got out of rehab that Christmas; a bottle of wine. It was delicious.

I love zombies. If any monster could Riverdance, it would be zombies.

Anyone who's just driven 90 yards against huge men trying to kill them has earned the right to do Jazz hands.

On that same tour we ran into a band at Aylesbury Friars, a biggish venue in Oxfordshire, England. They were a four-piece from Ireland called U2. They seemed like nice fellows and they sounded pretty good, but we didn’t keep in touch. They’re probably taxi drivers and accountants by now.

Old people really do have a secret though. You wanna know what it is? Luck.

I'm not so much a dragon slayer, more a dragon annoyer -- I'm a dragon irritater.

I have a deep and profound mistrust of all politicians.