350 Quotes by Dane Cook

You need to open up your soul and have a weep-a-thon.

I don't have to do anything for anyone else's benefit anymore. I just want to exceed my own expectations.

You've gotta share what's going on in your mind.

Time machine... wouldn't you like to travel through time? I would. I'd go back... mess with people. You know what I would do? I would go back to when my mom and dad were having sex, to have me. Ya'know, come in, spank my dad on the ass I'm your son from the future! Ahaha!

Are there glass shards in my anus?

I always wanted to be a snake. Every time I saw a snake on TV. I'd always say 'Why not me?'

Nice teeth is a turn on for me. If you open your mouth and it looks like a battle of epic proportions, I don't like it.

I'm glad that my parents missed one thing that was really unbelievable. They saw me hit this great success. It was a blast and we had a lot of laughs. And it was just an amazing time. They passed away. And then after I got, you know, famous, all these haters came out of nowhere.

It really drives me banana sangwich.