965 Quotes by David Letterman

Have you seen the Olympic uniforms? It's for the American Olympic team and it's berets. To me, nothing says America like a guy in a beret. Look at our founding fathers, they all wore berets.

Hillary Clinton could use one of these Apple Watches. She could hook it up to her secret email account. If you want to contact Hillary, she's at

And now the really difficult part: We have to rebuild Iraq into a strong and independent nation that will one day hate the United States.

George W. said he doesn't watch television. And, of course, well - the reason for that is the Clintons stole the White House satellite system.

Incredible experience, watching a baby birth on the internet. It's now my screensaver.

You know you've had too much to eat for Christmas dinner when you slump down onto a beanbag and realize... there is no beanbag.

I have found that the only thing that does bring you happiness is doing something good for somebody who is incapable of doing it for themselves.

They say there are about 12 million illegal immigrants in this country. But if you ask a Native American, that number is more like 300 million.

Last Halloween I ran out of candy and I had to give the kids nicotine gum.