965 Quotes by David Letterman

Moammar Gadhafi was found hiding in a storm sewer with a gold-plated gun. That's me in retirement, ladies and gentlemen.

Holyfield won the fight. It's not the first time Romney has been knocked out by a black guy.

Donald Trump is attacking President Obama's background. And I said, 'Wait a minute, Trump also is from a mixed background. He's half jack and half ass.'

Here's what we know about Santa. He sees you when you're sleeping. He knows when you're awake. He knows if you've been bad or good. I think he's with the NSA.

John Boehner - doesn't he look like every guy you've ever seen at a hotel bar? He looks like the kind of guy who licks his thumb when he counts his money.

Last night, President Bush gave a prime-time press conference. It was such a big deal that Fox decided to preempt American Idol. Which made sense to me, you don't want too many amateurs on in one night.

USA Today has come out with a new survey - apparently, three out of every four people make up 75% of the population.

So the guy who shot Gadhafi was wearing a Yankees cap. Did you see that? If he'd had a Boston Red Sox hat on he probably would have missed.

Presidential hopeful Jeb Bush has released all of his emails. I'd like to release all of my emails. I've got nothing but emails about low-cost funerals and Viagra.