965 Quotes by David Letterman

Experts say that Iraq may have nuclear weapons. That's bad news - they may have a nuclear bomb. Now the good news is that they have to drop it with a camel.

The CIA special unit that was searching for Osama bin Laden has been disbanded. So I guess, mission accomplished.

Sarah Palin is joining Fox News. The new slogan is 'hair and unbalanced.'

Experts say this global warming is serious, and they are predicting now that by the year 2050, we will be out of party ice.

Put bygones behind us, ... the water under the bridge, over the dam, wherever water goes -- standing in your basement -- she's going to be here on this show and it's going to be fantastic.

The White House is giving George W. Bush intelligence briefings. You know? some of these jokes just write themselves.

Don't kid yourself. Global warming is no joke. Here's how serious global warming has gotten to be in the United States. In this country global warming is so bad, we are now actually starting to warm up to Barry Bonds.

I've had nothing but great friendship to help me through this.

Sarah Palin had a big op-ed piece in the Wall Street Journal, and she said she's against death panels. And I thought, 'Really? She's the one who pulled the plug on the McCain campaign.'