965 Quotes by David Letterman

Hillary went to a Chipotle in a tortilla pantsuit.

I'm just trying to make a smudge on the collective unconscious.

Enron CEO Kenneth Lay has apparently just slipped across the border into Pakistan.

I think the number one public-relations blunder Osama has made is that he lives in a cave-fortress and if there's one thing we've learned from it's that you can't trust a guy who lives in a cave-fortress -- Lex Luther, Captain Nemo, Dr. Evil. I'm telling you the list goes on.

You know, Sarah Palin is the Governor of Alaska, you know that. And she's a lifelong member of the National Rifle Association. So great, is what I'm thinking, another vice president that shoots a drinking buddy; just get ready.

The world's oldest woman passed away at 116. They keep dying. I think that title may be cursed.

Hey, guess who's gay? The Green Lantern from the comic books. Today Mitt Romney knocked him down and shaved his head.

People say New Yorkers can't get along. Not true. I saw two New Yorkers, complete strangers, sharing a cab. One guy took the tires and the radio; the other guy took the engine.

During the debate, Palin winked, wrinkled her nose, and gave a shout-out to a third-grade class. Well, you know, that says commander-in-chief to me right there. You betcha!