965 Quotes by David Letterman

Wherever we've travelled in this great land of ours, we've found that people everywhere are about 90% water.

Congratulations to Saddam Hussein on being elected to another seven-year term. It was very close. He received 99 percent of the vote, and one percent of the vote went for last-minute candidate Frank Lautenberg.

Stocks are at an all-time high today. I don't have any money in the stock market. I don't have the stomach for the ups and downs. So about 20 years ago I put all of my money and liquid assets into videotape rewind machines.

The FCC has delayed the decision on the Time/Warner Comcast merger. So how do you think those folks like being put on hold?

I know what you're saying ... (Bradley) ain't exactly Robin Williams.

Weak coffee is the greatest sin against humanity.

I vote Democrat because I'm way too irresponsible to own a gun, and I know that my local police are all I need to protect me from murderers and thieves. I am also thankful that we have a 911 service that gets police to your home in order to identify your body after a home invasion.

I mean you think about the guy, the Nigerian guy, who was going to blow up the plane. He was wearing a pair of Fruit of the Lunatic. ... Guy was not too bright. He said that the reason he became a suicide bomber was to work his way up in the al Qaeda organization.

For the love of God, folks, don't try this at home.