965 Quotes by David Letterman

The reason I vote Democrat is because I think it's better to pay billions for oil to people who hate us, but not drill our own because it might upset some endangered beetle, gopher, or fish here in America. We don't care about the beetles, gophers, or fish in those other countries.

Last night we had Bill Clinton, the former president. Security was as tight as Governor Christie's yoga pants.

They have dog food for constipated dogs. If your dog is constipated, why screw up a good thing? Stay indoors and let 'em bloat!

They're talking about putting a woman on the $20 bill. And Hillary said, 'I'm available.'

What a big night that is going to be -- not only for us, not only for Oprah, but for Broadway.

When I was a kid in Indiana, we thought it would be fun to get a turkey a year ahead of time and feed it and so on for the following Thanksgiving. But by the time Thanksgiving came around, we sort of thought of the turkey as a pet, so we ate the dog. Only kidding. It was the cat!

A small handgun makes any TV remote control.

I have nothing against the North Koreans but this Kim Jong Un has got a screw loose. A member of his cabinet, his security minister, nods off, falls sleep. We've all done it. Kim Jong Un takes the guy out and has him executed, just for just falling asleep. Oh, and he was also deflating footballs.

It's the first day of spring. That means this weekend I'll take down my Christmas lights.