965 Quotes by David Letterman

They're saying now that Rick Santorum is gaining momentum because he's not Romney. And Mitt Romney was furious. He replied, 'Well, I can do that.

It is a sad day for his family and for the country,

I have talents aplenty. Unfortunately, precious few of them have any redeeming social value.

Welcome to the program. My name is Dave Letterman, and tonight I'm giving my two-week notice.

Osama bin Laden has ten look-alikes to fool us Americans. Ten look-alikes, and he's married to five of them.

A pair of ruby red slippers worn by Judy Garland in The Wizard of Oz have been stolen. The thief is described as being armed and fabulous.

Last night the United States dropped four 2,000 pound bombs on Saddam Hussein. I don't know anything about explosives, but, my God, do those things even need to explode?

Newt Gingrich has criticized 'New York elites' who ride the subway. One of those subway elites threw up on my pants this morning.

I don't like jokes about sex or bodily functions or drug use or the difference between New York and L.A. I never do any of that.