965 Quotes by David Letterman

They found a cave once lived in by Osama bin Laden and the only thing in the cave were some boxer undershorts, and macaroni. I'm telling you, you add an old stack of Playboys, this could be my place. It's like I have a twin.

Do you know what I'm going to do when I retire? I hope to become the new face of Scientology.

Because you think an explosion has taken place and you're looking at the shards and you say, 'Well, can we put this back together?' And by God, maybe you can put it back together. And maybe it won't be the same, but maybe it will be different, and maybe it can even be better in a different way.

Mitt Romney said he's not concerned about the very poor. What he means is people making less than a million.

When I was 52, I woke up after eight hours of heart surgery -- that's a big deal, ... I had my first son last year, that's a big deal. Now, I'm part of the team that won the Indianapolis 500. Those are three pretty good things to have in your life.

I'll be honest with you. It's beginning to look like I'm not going to get 'The Tonight Show.'

Senate Minority Leader Harry Reid says he will not seek re-election. Harry said he wants to spend more time with his family. As I always say, check with your family.

Now there are reports that Osama bin Laden would like to commit suicide on television. This is the kind of lead-in I have been praying for every since I came to CBS. Bin Laden is planning a televised suicide or, as I call it, hosting the Academy Awards.

Tourists - have some fun with New york's hard-boiled cabbies. When you get to your destination, say to your driver, "Pay? I was hitchhiking."