965 Quotes by David Letterman

I vote Democrat because I believe oil companies profits of 4% on a gallon of gas are obscene, but the government taxing the same gallon at 15% isn't.

Night clubs scare me. They're dark and they stink and they're dangerous and everybody's drunk.

Sometimes when you look in his eyes you get the feeling that someone else is driving.

You all know Newt Gingrich. Newt is short for Newton. People say if that's the case, what is Mitt short for? It's short for 'Mittens.'

Fifteen years ago tomorrow I had open heart surgery, a quintuple bypass surgery. Thanks to all of my doctors. Because of them, in 15 years of life I've been able to experience, well, acid reflux, short-term memory loss, and erectile dysfunction. Thanks for all your work. It's great to be alive.

I think you can use some of those words on TV. But one thing you can't do is throw coffee, I've said it over and over again!

About half an hour before air time - that's when I become hyper. I put everything else out of my mind and just let that nervous energy surge through my body. I start talking faster and louder. My confidence comes up. It's actually a great feeling.

My political position is that I'm happy to be alive and in North America.

Has the mathematical abilities of a Clydesdale.