965 Quotes by David Letterman

Here's the plot of 'Interstellar.' Refugees - they're known as Democrats - they're looking for a new planet.

Chi-Os were ideal partners for all occasions. They were discrete, desirable, tactful, polite, and fun... Every mom dreamed of her son coming home with a Chi Omega, a woman's woman.

The 2016 presidential campaign is heating up. Can you feel the indifference, the apathy?

Illinois is the only state where the present governor rides around in a car whose license plate was made by a previous governor.

What a day. It's 53 and gloomy - like President Obama.

There was a flight from Cleveland to New York City with just two people on board. There hasn't been two people on an airplane since the Wright brothers.

Barack Obama's busy moving into the White House. Earlier today, John McCain was blowing on his soup.

Everyone has a purpose in life. Perhaps yours is watching television.

Don't use your bedroom for work, unless you're a prostitute.