965 Quotes by David Letterman

I went to the beach a couple of times in New York City. Tough summer out there, but I was pretty excited. I found what I thought at the time was a very rare seashell. And I took it to a friend of mine who works in a museum. And I was really disappointed. It turned out to be just a human ear.

I can hardly wait until Donald Trump announces his celebrity cabinet.

There was an embarrassing moment in the White House earlier today. They were looking around while searching for George Bush's military records. They actually found some old Al Gore ballots.

The European countries are really hoping to do well in the Olympics. If they win gold medals, they can use them as cash.

Nothing, believe me, nothing is more satisfying to me personally than getting a great idea and then beatin' it to death.

A priest in New York City was arrested on gun possession. These days, you better be happy that the bulge in his pocket is a .38.

I got some good news earlier today before the show. Thanks to Alex Rodriguez, I am no longer the most overpaid disappointment in New York City.

The worst tempered people I have ever met were those who knew that they were wrong.

CBS News finally received anthrax in the mail. As usual, we're number three.