965 Quotes by David Letterman

President Bush says he needs a month off to unwind. Unwind? When the hell does this guy wind?

You like science? You enjoy science? Always use it for good, never for evil. Can you promise me that?

Everyone has this sense of togetherness right now. For example, one guy on the subway today, he wanted to share my pants.

Insiders say that Trump is running for president as a publicity stunt. That's not the Donald Trump I know.

The night before the Olympics opening ceremony, my son, who is eight years old, gets very excited and likes to put out a plate of cookies and some milk for Bob Costas.

Kim Jong Un shaved his eyebrows and got his hair sticking right up. How would you like the leader of your country looking like Lady Gaga? Even Dennis Rodman told him he looks weird.

Arnold Schwarzenegger got into a huge debate with Arianna Huffington about immigration - going back and forth - finally immigration came in and hauled them both away.

I cannot sing, dance or act; what else would I be but a talk show host.

That's the first thing they teach you in bowling, by the way. Don't press the ball against your nose. The other one is don't lick the pins.