713 Quotes by Demetri Martin

A pipe is greater than a bong. Because when you're smoking a pipe at least it makes you look like you're thinking about something.

For some reason cowboy sounds better than cowman.

I wasn't the class clown, but I was starting to become the "crazy guy" at law school, which is the guy who is not so much "crazy" as "annoying."

I was seeing this girl and she wanted to get more serious. But I wasn't ready to, I had just gotten out of a difficult relationship before that. So I said to her, 'Listen, you have to understand something. Relationships are like eyebrows. It's better when there's a space between them.' And that's coming from a Greek guy.

I wrapped my Christmas presents early this year, but I used the wrong paper. See, the paper I used said 'Happy Birthday' on it. I didn't want to waste it so I just wrote 'Jesus' on it.

I would like to have windshield wipers that do the whole windshield, please.

A Rubik's cube is equal to a drag queen. It's really colorful, but I don't wanna do it.

I went to law school. I found it interesting for the first three weeks. By the fourth week, I found it tedious. I got bored and grew restless. I had no other plan for a job, because from seventh grade on, I had planned on law. So I shifted my focus from classes to extracurricular activities.

I think it's interesting that cologne rhymes with alone.