713 Quotes by Demetri Martin

There are jokes I know I want to tell, and there's sort of a rough order, but usually I try to change it up every show, to improvise and talk with the audience. I think when you tell jokes, if you're not careful, you can end up telling the whole list of jokes and then that's it. And that can get a little boring.

I used to play sports. Then I realized you can buy trophies. Now I am good at everything.

Villains fear me because I am unpredictable and broccoli. See what I mean?

I don't like thank you cards because I don't know what else to say. What do I put on the inside? See Front.

I am a comedian but it's usually not a compliment to be called a prop comedian but I guess I sometimes use props. And I always confuse humorist with comedian. That's strange.

I got into stand-up because I love stand-up. Specifically in stand-up, I love jokes. I love short, structured ideas and a punch line.

Coffee is like a bra. 3 cups is one too many.

It's hard to know what's gay in life. Boxing. That's two men fighting over a belt.

A parade looks like a bunch of people are excited about being in traffic.