333 Quotes by Doug Stanhope

I immediately split the crowd. I thought about coming on every night and shouting, Gay pride, white power! just to confuse people.

I don't know. Both my parents are dead. So? Wait, I got pictures of their corpses in my wallet. I had them blown up as murals. Here.

Artists who say that they're artists: usually people who need a job.

Steal my stuff off the internet wherever you can and don't apologize. Buy the CDs and DVDs from my site and feel free to burn 'em and share 'em. Then come to the show.

Complaining that a comic is drunk is like going to a titty bar and complaining because your lapdancer is a communist.

Anything that I don't understand or can't do is stupid.

Raccoons don't need to do poppers in order to come while they're having anonymous same-sex interludes in a highway rest area.

They say 'life is precious'. To who? To you, when you're young and you've got a few dollars in your pocket. Tell that to the 90-year-old lying awake at the graveyard shift in the nursing home, groaning with dementia. The only reason he hasn't killed himself is that he hasn't figured out a way he can do it with pudding.

I'm not a marijuana user, so I always feel kind of fraudulent. I applaud this, I do recreational drugs, but marijuana's never one of those. People think because I talk about drugs, that I smoke pot. But I don't.