333 Quotes by Doug Stanhope

America takes credit for giving you freedom that you had anyway. It's like going to a wedding and putting your tag on somebody elses box.

The only legitimate excuse you could have for having a baby in those dire, war torn, famine struck conditions - would be to eat it.

I couldn't be a responsible enough parent if my kid was born with a new suit and a full-time job.

There are some occasions in which a man must tell half his secret, in order to conceal the rest; but there is seldom one in which a man should tell all. Great skill is necessary to know how far to go, and where to stop.

People want an idol. They want royalty. They don't want a public servant. Hell no. They want someone to clap for and go, "Oh, he touched my hand at the rally!"

Babies are like poems. They're beautiful to their creator, but to other people, they're silly and they're irritating.

Your instinct is your true god. Follow it.

When you consider the overpopulation in this world ... homosexuality is completely underrated in this society.

I had no musical or athletic ability, and I wasnt particularly good looking. Comedy was something I could do for attention.