317 Quotes by Emo Philips

I ran three miles today. Finally I said, "Lady take your purse.

I was a cute baby. My mom said when I was born they threw away the mold. Some of it grew back.

How many people here have telekinetic powers? Raise my hand.

Isn't this a wonderful country? I was in Florida. I'm staying at a motel called the Three Palms. It's run by a middle-aged couple, one of whom is missing a hand. OK! That's what I thought, too! But they got upset when I asked.

I always wanted a beautiful loving wife and she always wanted to be a citizen.

There's a joke in everything, the trick is finding it. The best compliment a joke can get is what Huxley said about Darwin's theory of evolution - 'Why didn't I think of that?'

When deciding between two competing theories, always go with the one that doesn't involve a magic spell.

I had a very close relationship with another kid when I was growing up. I was his imaginary friend.

I'm a great lover, I'll bet.