317 Quotes by Emo Philips

I thought I was raptured up into the air today; turns out, it was just my gas oven exploding.

I used to get drunk every night until I puked. Finally I admitted, "I am a bulemic".

I'm not a Republican... but I am saving up to be one.

I got a job at an amusement park. I like to make the rides more terrifying by throwing a couple of screws onto the seats.

When I was a kid, my goodness, corporate America was a bunch of stolid white guys in gray suits trying to be serious, and now it's stolid white guys in gray suits trying to be funny.

If you can make just one person laugh, then you are already doing better than Tony Danza.

When I was young, my father had a serious heart attack. He survived, but we lost our house and car. Under the Canadian Medicare system, though, we would have kept the house and car and would have just had to pay the inheritance tax.

It's amazing where a joke might come from. I find a lot of humour just by metaphorically turning things upside down or literally like my wife's cat.

When I was ten, my family moved to Downer's Grove, Illinois. When I was twelve, I found them.