317 Quotes by Emo Philips

My grandmother's brain was dead, but her heart was still beating. It was the first time we ever had a democrat in the family.

I told my wife she looks sexy with black fingernails. Now she thinks I slammed the car door on her hand on purpose.

My sister married a German. He complained he couldn't get a good bagel back home. I said: 'Well, whose fault is that?'

My sister just had a baby. We can have company over. She'll be in front of everyone with her um... breast... out feeding it. You know... cereal or whatever.

I love my family. I came home the other days. My brother's passed-out on the couch, holding an empty bottle of sleeping pills. So I called the paramedics, and they pumped his stomach, and I think he's learned his lesson: you know, never to take my last two sleeping pills.

Cell phones are like a dog's nipples... you don't have to shout into them!

Sometimes my mother goes through my socks and underwear. I wouldn't mind, but it tickles so much!

I took my grandmother to the emergency room. The doctor said that she was on an artificial life support system, and that although her brain was dead her heart was still beating. I though, "we've never had a democrat in the family before".

Recently, I've ventured into the mammal family - so that's good for my sex life.