317 Quotes by Emo Philips

Back in high school, my buddies tried to put the make on anything that moved. I told them, Why limit yourselves?

My girlfriend said, Just buy me something crazy and expensive, something I don't even need! So, I signed her up for radiation treatment.

I don't know if I have sexual magnetism or animal magnetism, though sometimes I'll find a squirrel stuck to my forehead.

Once I posed nude for a magazine. I've never been back to THAT newstand.

Santa Fe is fun to visit, but property there will cost you an arm and a dillo.

I'm not Catholic, but I gave up picking my belly button for lint.

I ran five miles today. Then, finally, I said, 'Here, lady...take your purse.'

New York's such a wonderful city. Although I was at the library today. The guy was very rude. I said, "I'd like a card." He says, "You have to prove you're a citizen of New York." So I stabbed him.

Writer's block is a myth. I never see the gardeners suffering from gardening block.