317 Quotes by Emo Philips

I go from stool to stool in singles bars hoping to get lucky, but there's never any gum under any of them.

Sex is logically impossible after marriage. You have to overcome the paradox of Not this again, and Hey, where did you learn that?

I grew up in an era when strange adults would grab me on the street and say: 'Don't do that.' You never see that these days. 'Hi, we took the liberty of spanking your son.' Oh thanks, my hand was getting worn.

I've been at stand-up for years: after a while, you get as jaded as the proverbial gynecologist who no longer enjoys drugging and violating his patients.

When I wake up in the morning, I just can't get started until I've had that first, piping hot pot of coffee. Oh, I've tried other enemas.

Ambiguity is the devil's volleyball.

I was at the Wal-Mart, which is where I think everybody goes eventually. If they die without Christ.

People come up to me... concerned... that I'll reproduce.

My parents had very strict rules for me. Rules like, I couldn't be home until a certain hour.