317 Quotes by Emo Philips

The other night, the president gave a speech. He said, "children are our most prescious natural resource". I thought, "let's hope it never comes to that".

My classmates would copulate with anything that moved, but I never saw any reason to limit myself.

A friend of mine gave me a Philip Glass record. I listened to it for five hours before I realized it had a scratch on it.

You know what I hate? Indian givers... no, I take that back.

The other day a woman came up to me and said, Didn't I see you on television? I said, I don't know. You can't see out the other way.

I discovered my wife in bed with another man, and I was crushed. So I said, 'Get off me, you two!'

For some reason, religious jokes seem as trivial as jokes about food or driving.

Actually, my cd was released in 1985, in return for two German missionaries and a Dutch urologist.

Pentiums melt in your PC, not in your hand.