317 Quotes by Emo Philips

The nicest present I ever got was an exploding suppository.

At my lemonade stand I used to give the first glass away free and charge five dollars for the second glass. The refill contained the antidote.

I'm from Downer's Grove, Illinois. We had a blackout there the other day, but fortunately the police made him get back into his car before he got too far.

My jokes are in my head and I have a duplicate copy of my jokes in a lot of British comics' heads, where they are safe.

They call me Good Time Emo. Because I love a good time! And my name is Emo.

I once had a large gay following, but I ducked into an alleyway and lost him.

When I was a kid, I slept on rubber sheets, but now, I'm a man. And I can take the wetness!

Every time I see Dan Quayle I feel like buying a vowel.

I once heard two ladies going on and on about the pains of childbirth and how men don't seem to know what real pain is. I asked if either of them ever got themselves caught in a zipper.