128 Quotes by Eugene Mirman

If you're at a party with more than five people named Chad, get the fuck out right away.

Think of me as an impetuous Hegel, drunk with power, and also, regular drunk.

Never give in to peer pressure, especially if the peer is not attractive.

Do whatever you want. Break stuff, touch your penis or boobs to anything, whatever.

Over the years I've received thousands of e-mails looking for guidance. Some have real problems; some talk about monkeys and poo--though those people may also have real problems.

If things are really overwhelming and you need to talk, you can give me a call at 347-273-2044.

Marriage is not something you should do just because you want to have a stable life, it's something you should do because you've run out of options.

A comedian is simply a different kind of therapist. A comedian is a psychologist and a psychiatrist rolled into one. Except I can't prescribe medicine. (You still need a doctorate, which is bullshit.) Okay, so I'm not like a psychiatrist. Fine. But I'm still like a psychologist (except I can't diagnose or treat mental illness).

6th grade. My dog, Katie, is hit by a car and killed. A mean girl during recess says it committed suicide because it didn't love me. I cry and swear revenge on mankind.