93 Quotes by Frank Carson

My wife went into the butchers and said: "You've a sheep's head in your window." The butcher said: "That's a mirror."

I bought these shoes in Taiwan, and they said in the inside "made around the corner."

I just want to apologise for being late. I was flying back from Spain and the air hostess said: "We are two hours late Mr Carson." When I asked why, she said: "The pilot has heard a funny noise in the engine that he doesn't like, so we are waiting on another pilot who can't hear it."

Two Irishmen were passing a pub - well, it could happen.

A man was found dead covered in sprinkles, strawberry sauce and a flake. Reports said he may have topped himself.

This is Frank Carson, News at Ten, Sober.

I gave my wife a kiss this morning. She jumped out of bed and did a lap of honour.

Did you know you can have an Irish abortion, but there is a 12 month waiting list?

A traffic policeman stops Sister Bridget for speeding. She pulls into the side of the road and winds down her window. The officer walks round and starts undoing his fly. "Oh dear," she says, "Not the breathalyser again."