93 Quotes by Frank Carson

There were two Irishmen eating sandwiches in a pub and the landlord said: "You can't eat your own food in here." So they swapped sandwiches.

I'm staying in a lovely hotel, dressing robe behind the door, lovely fluffy sheets - took me a half an hour getting my suitcase closed.

A man says to his mate: "My wife is a twin." His mate says, "How do you tell them apart?" The man says: "Her brother has a beard."

It's my wife Ruth's birthday soon. I said to her: "What would you like for your birthday?" She said: "I want a divorce." I said: "I wasn't planning on spending that much."

Doctor told me I've got two weeks to live. I said: "Can I have the last week in July and the 1st week in August?"

A girl asks her doctor, "Doctor, I've forgotten to take my contradictory pill!" The doctor says: "Are you ignorant?" The girl says: "Yes, three months!"

It’s my wife Ruth’s birthday soon. I said to her: “What would you like for your birthday?” She said: “I want a divorce.” I said: “I wasn’t planning on spending that much.”

A man says to the doctor: “What’s the good news?” “You’ve got 24 hours to live.” He says: “What’s the bad news?” The doctor says: “We should have told you yesterday.”

My wife said to me: ‘If you won the lottery, would you still love me?’ I said: ‘Of course I would. I’d miss you, but I’d still love you.’