144 Quotes by Fred Allen

A gentleman never strikes a lady with his hat on

The last time I saw him he was walking down lover's lane holding his own hand.

A conference is a gathering of people who singly can do nothing, but together can decide that nothing can be done.

A committee is a group of people who individually can do nothing, but who, as a group, can meet and decide that nothing can be done.

My father never raised his hand to any one of his children, except in self-defense.

Television is a medium because anything well done is rare.

I play a musical instrument a little, but only for my own amazement.

I always have trouble remembering three things: faces, names, and - I can't remember what the third thing is.

I'd rather have a full bottle in front of me than a full frontal lobotomy.