255 Quotes by George Burns

I can't understand why I flunked American history. When I was a kid there was so little of it.

Sex after 90 is like trying to shoot pool with a rope. Even putting my cigar in its holder is a thrill.

People are always asking me when Im going to retire. Why should I? Ive got it two ways - Im still making movies, and Im a senior citizen, so I can see myself at half price.

Someone who makes you laugh is a comedian. Someone who makes you think and then laugh is a humorist.

Let me get one thing straight; I'm not an authority on sex, I'm more of a fan. I think sex is nice; no family should be without it. Of course, there are other things that are just as important as sex, like uh . . . like uh . . . like . . . uh . . . well, I'll think of it later.

Our record doesn't show it, but we are getting better.

It's no surprise that things are so screwed up: everyone that knows how to run a government is either driving taxicabs or cutting hair.

I think I look about 40 to 45, so I like it.

We were what you call a disappointment act, ... If an act got sick, we'd take their place.