1,246 Quotes by George Carlin

The Human Species could have been great but instead we became satisfied with lights on our tennis shoes.

Why is there so much controversy about drug testing? I know plenty of guys who would be willing to test any drug they could come up with

The following statement is true. The previous statement is false.

Electricity is really just organized lightning.

The straightest line between a straight distance is two points.

I've never been quarantined. But the more I look around the more I think it might not be a bad idea.

The ending of my experience with cocaine came in a periodic way. I would get high less frequently, I would use smaller amounts, and I would do coke for less periods of time. And that process just kept increasing and increasing until I wasn't using it at all. I didn't go on a program anywhere. I didn't join an organization or detox anywhere. I just slowly tapered off until it was gone. That was also true of my heavy pot use. I just tapered off until there was almost no use at all. And the same thing was true of drinking tons of beer.

Know my feelings about traffic laws? Cop didn't see it? I didn't do it.

You can prick your finger, but don't finger your prick!