1,246 Quotes by George Carlin

Electricity is really just organized lightning

I think the warning labels on alcoholic beverages are too bland. They should be more vivid. Here is one I would suggest: "Alcohol will turn you into the same asshole your father was.

How is it possible to have a civil war?

The caterpillar does all the work, but the butterfly gets all the publicity.

Honesty may be the best policy, but it's important to remember that apparently, by elimination, dishonesty is the second-best policy.

In America, anyone can become president. That's the problem.

I tried to believe that there is a God, who created each of us in His own image and likeness, loves us very much, and keeps a close eye on things. I really tried to believe that, but I gotta tell you, the longer you live, the more you look around, the more you realize, something is fucked up.

THINGS YOU NEVER HEAR: 'Please stop sucking my dick or I'll call the police.

If your kid needs a role model and you ain't it, you're both fucked.