357 Quotes by Henny Youngman

This is an elegant hotel! Room service has an unlisted number.

I bought my wife a little Italian car. A Mafia. It has a hood under the hood.

My dad was the town drunk. Most of the time that's not so bad; but New York City?

I call my lawyer and say, 'Can I ask you two questions?' He says, 'What's the second question?'

Why do Jewish men die before their wives? They want to.

If I had blood, I'd blush.

A self-taught man usually has a poor teacher and a worse student.

I've got enough money to last the rest of my life ... as long as I die about four o'clock this afternoon.

You can't buy love, but you can pay heavily for it.