357 Quotes by Henny Youngman

A Jewish man pulls up to the curb and asks the policeman, "Can I park here?" "No" says the cop. "What about all these other cars?" "They didn't ask!"

Anybody who thinks talk is cheap has never argued with a traffic cop.

During the war an Italian girl saved my life. She hid me in her basement in Cleveland.

The doctor says to the patient, "Take your clothes off and stick your tongue out the window". "What will that do" asks the patient. The doctor says "I'm mad at my neighbor!".

Have you noticed that families on TV never watch television?

A bomb fell on Italy. It slid off!

If, as the scientist say, sex is such a driving force, why is so much of it nowadays found parked?

His motto is "Love Thy Neighbor". His neighbor is an 18 year old hooker.

Two kangaroos were talking to each other, and one said, 'I hope it doesn't rain today. I hate it when the children play inside.