357 Quotes by Henny Youngman

I love Christmas. I receive a lot of wonderful presents I can't wait to exchange.

Where did you get your haircut, the pet shop?

The hitter asks the owner to give him a big raise so he can go somewhere he's never been, and the owner says "You mean third base?"

The more I think of you, the less I think of you.

I bet on a horse at ten-to-one. It didn't come in until half-past five.

2 Jewish women in New York. One says, "Do you see what's going on in Poland?" The other says, "I live in the back, I don't see anything."

In elementary school, many a true word is spoken in guess.

I know a man who is a diamond cutter. He mows the lawn at Yankee Stadium.

My history teacher was so old, he taught from memory.