357 Quotes by Henny Youngman

In a blackout, a Polish man was stuck on an escalator for two hours. I asked him, "Why didn't you walk down?" He said, "because I was going up!"

I own a hundred and fifty books, but I have no bookcase. Nobody will lend me a bookcase.

My wife loves to shop at Bloomingdale's. I bring her mail there twice a week.

Take my wife... Please!

I've been married for 49 years. Where have I failed?

I had a nightmare last night. I dreamed Dolly Parton was my mother and I was a bottle baby.

A woman says to a man, "I haven't seen you around here." "Yes, I just got out of jail for killing my wife." "So you're single!"

A baby-sitter is a teenager who gets two dollars an hour to eat five dollars' worth of your food.

A Polish man had his vasectomy done at Sears. Now when he makes love, the garage door goes up.