357 Quotes by Henny Youngman

You look like a talent scout for a cemetery.

My wife has a black belt in shopping.

I'll tell you how to beat the gambling in Las Vegas. When you get off the airplane, walk right into the propeller.

Those two are a fastidious couple. She's fast and he's hideous.

A man calls a lawyer's office. The phone is answered, Schwartz, Schwartz, Schwartz and Schwartz. The man says, Let me talk to Mr. Schwartz. I'm sorry, he's on vacation. Then let me talk to Mr. Schwartz. He's on a big case, not available for a week. Then let me talk to Mr. Schwartz. He's playing golf today. Okay, then, let me talk to Mr. Schwartz. Speaking.

I have a car that I call Flattery because it gets me nowhere.

While playing golf today I hit two good balls. I stepped on a rake.

Those bellhops in Miami are tip-happy. I ordered a deck of playing cards and the bellboy made fifty-two trips to my room.

A little Jewish Grandma is at the Florida coast with her little Jewish Grandson. The grandson is playing on the beach when a big wave comes and washes the kid out to sea. The lifeguards swim out, bring him back to shore, the paramedics work on him for a long time, pumping the water out, reviving him. They turn to the Jewish Grandma, and say, we saved your grandson. The little Jewish Grandma says, He had a hat!