357 Quotes by Henny Youngman

A priest is sent to Alaska. A bishop goes up to visit one year later. The bishop asks, How do you like it up here? The priest says, If it wasn't for my Rosary, and 2 martinis a day, I'd be lost. Bishop, would you like a martini? Yes. Rosary, get the bishop a martini!

I went out with a girl last night. She wasn't a Lana Turner. She was more of a stomach turner.

The food on the plane was fit for a king. "Here, King!"

My horse's jockey was hitting the horse. The horse turns around and says "Why are you hitting me, there is nobody behind us!"

The Doctor called Mrs. Cohen saying, "Mrs. Cohen, your check came back." Mrs. Cohen answered, "So did my arthritis!"

A doctor says to a man, "You want to improve your love life? You need to get some exercise. Run ten miles a day." Two weeks later, the man called the doctor. The doctor says, "How is your love life since you have been running?" "I don't know, I'm 140 miles away!"

The other day I broke 70. That's a lot of clubs.

The room is so small, when I put the key in, I broke the window!

I just made a killing in the stock market -- I shot my broker.