357 Quotes by Henny Youngman

I wanted to do something nice so I bought my mother-in-law a chair. Now they won't let me plug it in.

My room is so small, the mice are hunchbacked.

I have a lovely room and bath in the hotel. It's a little inconvenient, they're in two separate buildings!

My wife is a light eater. As soon as it's light, she starts to eat.

The hotel I'm in has a lovely closet. A nail.

My doctor grabbed me by the wallet and said,'Cough'

I don't mind when my horse is left at the post. I don't mind when my horse comes up to me in the stands and asks, "Which way do I go?" But when the horse I bet on is at the $2 window betting on another horse in the same race...

My wife is the sweetest, most tolerant, most beautiful woman in the world. This is a paid political announcement.

My horse was so late getting home, he tiptoed into the stable.