357 Quotes by Henny Youngman

Getting on a plane, I told the ticket lady, "Send one of my bags to New York, send one to Los Angeles, and send one to Miami." She said, "We can't do that!" I told her, "You did it last week!"

I was walking down the street, and I found a man's hand in my pocket. I asked, "What do you want?" "A match" "Why didn't you ask me?" "I don't talk to strangers."

A woman was taking a shower. There is a knock on the door. Who is it? Blind man! The woman opens the door. Where do you want these blinds, lady?

I know a guy who had his doctor say, "Take some weight off, go to a health club." The man lost 20 pounds in one week! The machine tore his leg off!

She ran after the garbage truck, yelling, "Am I too late for the garbage?" "No, jump in!"

"Doctor, I have a ringing in my ears." "Don't answer!"

Another drunk goes up to a parking meter, puts in a quarter, the dial goes to 60. The drunk says, "Huh. I lost 100 pounds!"

A man goes to a psychiatrist. "Nobody listens to me!" The doctor says, "Next!"

When I go to a restaurant I always ask the manager, "Give me a table near a waiter."