357 Quotes by Henny Youngman

I thought talk was cheap until I saw our telephone bill.

How to drive a guy crazy: send him a telegram and on the top put 'page 2.'

Americans are getting stronger. Twenty years ago, it took two people to carry ten dollars' worth of groceries. Today, a five-year-old can do it.

Zsa Zsa Gabor is an expert housekeeper. Every time she gets divorced, she keeps the house.

I've been in love with the same woman for forty-one years. If my wife finds out, she'll kill me.

My wife dresses to kill. She cooks the same way.

College: A fountain of knowledge where all go to drink.

Who says nothing is impossible? I've been doing nothing for years.

If at first you don't succeed... so much for skydiving.