357 Quotes by Henny Youngman

The patient says, "Doctor, it hurts when I do this." "Then don't do that!"

I've got two wonderful children - and two out of five isn't too bad.

I told the doctor I broke my leg in two places. He told me to quit going to those places.

Hollywood called me, asking me, "How much to do a movie with Farrah Fawcett?" "$50,000" They called back, "How about $20,000?" I said, "I'll pay it!"

Have I got a mother-in-law. She's so neat she puts paper under the cuckoo clock.

My other brother-in-law died. He was a karate expert, then joined the army. The first time he saluted, he killed himself.

Everytime I ask what time it is, I get a different answer.

Are you married? What do you do for agravation?

I once wanted to become an atheist, but I gave up - they have no holidays.