357 Quotes by Henny Youngman

I have terrible luck. Last week my chauffeur ran off without my wife.

She's a big-hearted girl with hips to match.

I live about four muggings from Central Park.

Someone stole all my credit cards, but I won't be reporting it. The thief spends less than my wife did

A doctor gave a man six months to live. The man couldn't pay his bill, so he gave him another six months.

When it comes to work, there are many who will stop at nothing.

A person asked me, How do you prepare for the stage? I told her, Well, it's like this. You go to diction school. They teach you to fill your mouth with marbles and talk right through the marbles. Each day you take one marble out. When you've lost all your marbles...

The most effective way to remember your wife's birthday is to forget it once... You know what I did before I married? Anything I wanted to.

A Jewish woman had two chickens. One got sick, so the woman made chicken soup out of the other one to help the sick one get well.