357 Quotes by Henny Youngman

There were three kids in my family. One of each sex.

When a man opens a car door for his wife, it's either a new car or a new wife. My wife dresses to kill. She cooks the same way.

When God sneezed, I didn't know what to say....

A little man is running a jewelry store. A man runs in saying, Okay, take my watch, put on a new band, install a new battery, clean the case, install a new crystal, and tune it up. I will be back in a half hour for it. Thanks! and runs out the door. The little jeweler says, C-C-C-Come in?

A guy says, I'm so old that I forgot how old I am. An old woman says, I'll tell you how old you are. Take off your clothes and bend over. The man does this. The woman says, You're seventy four. The man says, How can you tell? The woman says, You told me yesterday.

If my mother knew I did this for a living, she'd kill me. She thinks I'm selling dope.

I've kissed so many women I can do it with my eyes closed.

Nurse: "Doctor, the man you just gave a clean bill of health to dropped dead right as he was leaving the office". Doctor: "Turn him around, make it look like he was walking in."

If you're going to do something tonight that you'll be sorry for tomorrow morning, sleep late.