357 Quotes by Henny Youngman

Most girls are attracted to the simple things in life. Like men.

It's not true that married men live longer than single men. It only seems longer.

Just got back from a pleasure trip: I took my mother-in-law to the airport.

My wife and I got remarried. Our divorce didn't work out.

A drunk was in front of a judge. The judge says "You've been brought here for drinking." The drunk says "Okay, let's get started.

That was the first time I saw a horse start from a kneeling position!

I don't believe in reincarnation, but what were you when you were alive?

A man goes to a barbershop and asks, How many ahead of me? Five. The man leaves. He comes back the next day and asks, How many ahead of me? Four. The man leaves. He comes back the next day and asks, How many ahead of me? Six. The man leaves, and the barber says to another, Follow that man! The man comes back and says, He goes to your house!

A tough guy told me, "I'll bet you $10 you're dead." I was afraid to bet him.