181 Quotes by Jack Handy

If you lived in the Dark Ages and you were a catapult operator, I bet the most common question people would ask is, ""Can't you make it shoot farther?"" ""No, I'm sorry. That's as far as it shoots.

I think someone should have had the decency to tell me the luncheon was free. To make someone run out with potato salad in his hand, pretending he's throwing up, is not what I call hospitality.

If you lose your job, your marriage and your mind all in one week, try to lose your mind first, because then the other stuff won't matter that much

Life, to me, is like a quiet forest pool, one that needs a direct hit from a big rock half-buried in the ground. You pull and you pull, but you can't get the rock out of the ground. So you give it a good kick, but you lose your balance and go skidding down the hill toward the pool. Then out comes a big Hawaiian man who was screwing his wife beside the pool because they thought it was real pretty. He tells you to get out of there, but you start faking it, like you're talking Hawaiian, and then he gets mad and chases you...

If you go to a party, and you want to be the popular one at the party, do this: Wait until no one is looking, then kick a burning log out of the fireplace onto the carpet. Then jump on top of it with your body and yell, ""Log o' fire! Log o' fire!"" I've never done this, but I think it'd work.

Laugh, clown, laugh. This is what I tell myself whenever I dress up like Bozo.

If you go to a costume party at your boss's house, wouldn't you think a good costume would be to dress up like the boss's wife? Trust me, it's not.

I think the monkeys at the zoo should have to wear sunglasses so they can't hypnotize you.

If you go parachuting, and your parachute doesn't open, and you friends are all watching you fall, I think a funny gag would be to pretend you were swimming.