181 Quotes by Jack Handy

Why do people in ship mutinies always ask for "better treatment"? I'd ask for a pinball machine, because with all that rocking back and forth you'd probably be able to get a lot of free games.

When you go in for a job interview, I think a good thing to ask is if they ever press charges.

If I ever opened a trampoline store, I don't think I'd call it Trampo-Land, because you might think it was a store for tramps, which is not the impression we are trying to convey with our store. On the other hand, we would not prohibit tramps from browsing, or testing the trampolines, unless a tramp's gyrations seemed to be getting out of control.

Tonight, when we were eating dinner, Marta said something that really knocked me for a loop. She said, ""I love carrots."" ""Good,"" I said as I gritted my teeth real hard. ""Then maybe you and carrots would like to go into the bedroom and have sex!"" They didn't, but maybe they will sometime, and I can watch.

If I ever get real rich, I hope I'm not real mean to poor people, like now. - Deep Thoughts (Saturday Night Live)

To me, clowns aren't funny. In fact, they're kind of scary. I've wondered where this started and I think it goes back to the time I went to the circus, and a clown killed my dad.

If I ever get real rich, I hope I'm not real mean to poor people, like I am now

If God dwells inside us like some people say, I sure hope He likes enchiladas, because that's what He's getting

What is it that makes a complete stranger dive into an icy river to save a solid gold baby? Maybe we'll never know